By all rights this should be a new flannel Friday post. Yeah I haven’t done one of those in a while, huh? Certainly not on a weekly basis. Another good idea put on the shelf due partially to a lack of time but mostly a lack of motivation. I’m killin’ my internet cred.
Instead I’m going to make a (hopefully) short update on my life. I forget that Twitter doesn’t do a great job of accurately portraying my life and I sure as heck don’t talk to people very much anywhere else.
I like my snow like I like my women, beautiful, cold and uncaring, and dangerous when exposed to for too long.
SNOW IS BAD
I say six months later but it’s closer to five and a half. And five of those months were friggin cold. I mean, it’s STILL cold. But there’s a smaller chance that it’ll snow at least? The thing about snow, I’ve learned, is I hate it. I hate it so much. I hated it being dark when I went to work and dark when I got home. I hated scrapping ice off my car, snow off the driveway. I am not a fan of snow. What was nice about the snow is it was a wonderful distraction from the rest of my life. In snow the conflicting priorities of my brain had a common enemy. Plus it was too cold to do anything so sitting at home and playing video games in all my free time was A-OK.
Yeah I actually WISH this is where I lived. With those many open windows I’d get more air.
THIS IS NO PLACE TO LIVE
Now…I SAY home. In a general sense. Because it doesn’t FEEL like a home. I’ve come to the conclusion that it simply won’t. The basement isn’t a terrible place to live. As a structurally sound shelter it passes. As an environment less so. It’s been an interesting ride, so interesting that I won’t even get into it now. I’m saving it all for a future post for the happy day I leave it. The title starts with “The Saga Of” so you know it’ll be a good read. Before anyone starts with the “Told You So”s you must understand: this is my best option. No. Really. This is a small college town. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too small for a college town. Rentals that I can afford are nearly all student housing. I looked at an apartment that costs more than what I’m paying now and it was not great. The logic seems to be if you aren’t a student, you can afford to rent a house. As long as you don’t have a pet, of course. Because what awful people would dare think to bring a cat or a dog into a house?
That’s me on the left.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: NONE
Aside from the housing situation I haven’t felt overly…welcome here. Even considering coming from Southern Nevada where passive disinterest is the best you can get from a neighbor. Now I’m going to be SATURATING this next part with qualifiers, let me be clear on that. PLENTY people here are very nice. Particularly where I work most everyone is absolutely friendly. And yet often a given passing smile will be met with a cold stare. And the people that ARE friendly are friendly enough for the current conversation and then they move on. Everyone already has their own lives and concerns, I’m simply a background character to their own story. That’s not a critique, it’s a reality. I had friends I considered family at my last job, but I was there for a decade. I don’t think time is going to be the solution here. What I feel….it’s hard to say simply. Except that I haven’t met anyone I think would be a lasting friend and I don’t think I will. That’s simply said, though a little colder than what I mean. Also, it’s not like I’ve MET many people overall.
This town looks much better when it rains, I wish it would rain more often.
I WANNA BE WHERE ALL THE HIPSTERS ARE
With the melting snow I have made an effort to get out more. Within the town’s limits the sights of interest include…??? I had hoped for a stereotypical small town to explore in comfort. It’s not. It’s as if someone took a chunk of Henderson and plopped it down on an unforrested mountain. Walking, at least in my area, isn’t fully practical. The busses ARE free and I do need to start using them but it’s not the same. While there are a few local places to eat and shop overall it’s a typical Big Box department store/fast food chain situation. There’s a dog park I can drive to with a walking path next to a river and so far that’s my favorite place here. Otherwise…there isn’t much notable. So far. Further exploration might yield better finds.
I’d say I’ve had worse office window views but…actually I’ve never had an office with a window.
THE JOB IS FINE
For the job I’ll say it IS a good job. Maybe not as fun as reading books to kids but I’m learning a lot and I’m always busy. It’s not, I think, what I want to be doing forever. Which is good since it’s a temporary position! I’m learning more and more of how all departments in a library function and a great deal of the process drives me mad. I do have some upcoming projects I am excited about.
“I’ve got flowers planted now everything will be okay!” I thought, as a rusted out van pulled into the driveway with my new neighbors.
The point is I am okay. I’m okay in the strictest sense of the word. I am not HAPPY, but that is not necessary right now. I had plans, and had hoped, to upgrade my goal of survival to thriving. I even did some gardening last week when the new upstairs neighbors moved in and everything went downhill in a hurry. Now the goal is to endure. Because I’ve accepted that, at least from my current perspective, that This Is Not Where I’m Meant To End Up. My purpose here is not to have fun. My main focus is to take care of myself, my cat, my car, and to do what is needed to GET ME to Where I Am Meant To End Up. I moved to Utah because my family needed to be together. After this I can go wherever the heck I want, as long as I stick to the plan.
I’m not a fan of Henry David Thoreau. Too much of his attitude towards humanity was worthy of eye rolling. That said I agree with him on two issues: first, that the slaves should have been freed immediately. F* gradual emancipation. Secondly, you should look forward to the future. Reading his exit from Walden left a deep impression on me in high school. He said he left because- and I’m paraphrasing because high school was a long time ago- he loved Walden Pond. Thoreau felt that by being content to stay there he would waste the rest of his life. It was a place he wanted to end his days, and he didn’t want his days to end yet. Similar concept, I’m fine with not loving my current situation because I’d hate to think that I’ve already reached the peak of my life.
I realize this paints a pretty bleak picture. I’m able to separate the good from the bad, though. There’s no mixed balance that creates a sum total of “Life is good” or “Life is bad”, they’re oil and water. Where I live is awful. The potential for that to improve while I’m here is low, I accept that. The job is good. I enjoy most of it. I don’t see it as a long term deal and that’s okay. The rest of my life is stalled, that’s fine. I have other things I could be doing. For now I’m going to try to get myself in better physical and mental health. I’ll work on writing in earnest. I’ll try to start mailing things out to friends more often (but uh, wait to mail stuff back to me until I give you a different address. In case my new neighbors are stealing mail). ALSO, I might try to find a church to start going to even though I love my free Sunday mornings. But at a church I’m more likely to meet people that I’m compatible with. Maybe even…a roommate? A roommate that’s not an insane person and will let me move into a decent place? It’s all a pipe dream as far as I’m concerned but you never know. Really, my goal from now on is to be adaptable.
A lack of contentment now gives me flexibility to make decisions that would otherwise have greater risks. December 2015 is as AT MOST as long as I’ll be here. I’ve used up a quarter of my time moping, time to use at least the next quarter gathering supplies and making a map for…the next journey?
That’s a terrible metaphor to end it on but I can’t think of anything else, and I’ll probably spend another two pages trying so let’s just make this